Pressure, Passion, and Play: A Deep Dive into Love - Nicole's Therapeutic Approach

So i have come to understand that when i am writing here i want to be more vulnerable with what is going on in my life at times as well as any resources I could offer along the way!

As much as possible not hiding behind the guise of professionalism like i know it all, cause, lets be honest, NOONE knows it all. What i have learnt is that we all just have something unique to offer others simply from our experience of life and thats the stance i will be taking moving forward. I hope that if you resonate you can take something from this also.

xo Love Nic

Over the last few years i have explored getting to know myself and in turn, realized that the one thing i was REALLY good at was keeping myself too busy….all productive things, sure…but WAY too busy to deal with anything or situations that could have been addressed causing me grief or just a level of unhappiness that, well, went ka-boom (internally)!

I don’t get unhappy i used to say, i’m happy Nic, that’s how everyone knew me including my family, friends and husband at the time. It's just how I generally operated always smiling always positive and anything outside of this just felt, well, not me.

Fast forward a few months my worlds unraveled and I willingly threw myself into deeply into getting to know myself. I can't say that it was difficult, from me, it was such a beautiful time of introspection but it was existential in its nature - you know

What do I want out of life?

Why am I here?

Who am I?

What’s my purpose?

and all that jazz. I was really craving teachers that could guide me and help me through this piece and I feel very lucky but I found the counseling and mentors that I did the time to help me flourish through this period!

Reasonable in theory right?

I have made such a conscious effort to plan everything to a T and this alleviates my anxiety over not getting things done. I mean I even scheduled in play - winning all around but…where do my partners needs fit in here?

What?! I hear you say (or I heard myself say when i was posed this by my counselor and sister)…

My schedule or plan doesn't allow for play the way that society views it. My needs aren’t stock standard and I have genuinely come to love the way I operate. I know myself enough to know what I need and whilst certainly different, I feel better for it 💛 💛

When I have to take (insert your person here!) my partner into account who understands the dedication that I have towards my clients, my business and to needing time for myself, wellll when push comes to shove (and I recently had a break through moment that I'm evaluating the need for quality time based on my level of need for quality time and as much as I was coming from a place of Love), I was actually not being considerate in filling his level for quality time!

This realisation came to me through a personal therapy session I had and it was huge because I want my needs met (physical touch) and they are, but again like I said I really thought that what I was giving my partner was enough but that was my limit on quality time not his. His bucket was not nearly as full 🤯

So this is definitely one of those areas where I don't feel like I have all the answers. It's definitely the case of communicating with my partner sounding his needs and my own.

My needs are to have things set up in my calendar so I know they're coming and I know I can work my way around them so if I need to put an extra hour here there leading up to a particular outing then I can do that. Again, as I write this it's amazing because it's not that one person needs to give in at all, it just needs to come from both parties. There needs to be a level of meeting in the middle - I like structure and have recognised that I can be narrow sighted, my partner wants spontaneity and a lot of outings/socializing - both of us meeting in the middle could be:

How can I be more flexible and allocate more time for joy and filling my partner's cup and how can he have his needs met but be ok with working within my schedule? 

The answer, I am finding as I write this is respect. Yes love, I love my partner enough to want to give him what he needs and him to me but ultimately, the nitty gritty stuff comes through by RESPECTING the other person for who they are and what they need for THEMSELVES before making your ‘request’ from them!

As you can see it's work in progress but I feel like this is where I'm at, at the moment and I just wanted to share that once we get to a place where we do spend time alone, getting to know ourselves and falling in love with ourselves in the bestest way possible it can actually be quite challenging to reincorporate being busy again. 

Do I think that this is a process that has to happen? That we need to get busy again? Absolutely not, there are many activities and family events that my partner can attend alone and I genuinely don't attend out of obligation as I mentioned earlier these people are my friends as well and there are times where there is no doubt about it, i get FOMO and I really want to go but if something is last minute I'm too aware of the impact that it's going to have on my time and my schedule. (The FOMO aspect is something I will need to work on too as it just raised something about, even with all the ‘play’ time I schedule, is my schedule too rigid or am I just coming into the year post Holiday season where we were much more social and I am coming back to my routine!).

I am sharing very openly and vulnerably that whilst we can reach a peak of sorts and maybe even productivity, it's another level when we add the dynamic needs of another soul. I don't believe that I am solely responsible for my partner's happiness, that does come within from himself but also respect that I chose to be with him and that factors in for something 🙂

Here is to a balanced 2023! Ha I laugh as I say this but I genuinely believe there is an answer for everything when we take the time out to be with ourselves and meet our needs which lovingly could include being there for that other person 💖 💖

The one thing that I took away from this time was respecting that time that I gave myself to get to know myself is a gift and I feel now that it is a continuous one. There is no ending to unraveling, it’s like as soon as we think we know absolutely everything about yourself, you’re faced with something else that you find challenging and voila, another opportunity for introspection. The catch? You have to PAUSE, you have to take the time out to reflect….

The way I see it is it's just a matter of being your own friend enough to want to hang out with yourself. 

Today, I sit here after a few years old being in this process and being really protective of my time and I am running two businesses, like to train/stay active, have a partner that I would like to spend time with, bought a house we are starting to renovate, travel interstate every month for work,  needing time to myself , wanting to be social and catch up with not only my friends but also my partner's family who I included Under the Umbrella of friends (knew them before him) and also make time to contact my own family who live interstate. 

Outside of this one of my personal values and my personal theme for the year is playfulness which asks me to allocate time to things that I find exciting and well, playful in nature! So whether it's dancing, pottery, candle making or hiking these are all things that lighten my internal load and I'm very into having this part of me expressed throughout my life.

What I have come to realize is that to achieve the things that I want to achieve in life and also have my personal space protected and share myself with other people - yes its a cliche saying but - I really need to fill my cup first, put my oxygen mask on first before helping others - whichever saying lands for you - that, that’s the feeling you i’m talking about!

I have noticed in January, (yeh the cracks showed early!), that I could feel some resentment building towards my lovely partner who was only asking me to spend quality time with him which happens to be his love language and I was continuously monitoring and evaluating that if I do this activity with him and I wasn't going to do X activity tomorrow with him or friends/family because Something's Gotta Give and I need to allocate time to myself and my business.

Soooooo, What am I actually saying here am I saying that I should sacrifice my personal time to make someone else happy?? Am I saying that we should have strong boundaries and not let anyone through?

What I really want to relay here is that, yes I have really strong boundaries around my schedule and my time and whilst I do allocate time for fun and play if I want to be in this committed relationship I really need to take into consideration his needs as well because ultimately, if I want a partner to make me happy, how can I not do the same for them? Sounds simple right? 

Personally, I think about the plan I have already made for myself for 2023 and adding in more time for someone else that is not directly adding value to my clients or my business makes me anxious and this is something that I'm reflecting on now even a bit as I write this, I realised that I need to work out why am in such a personal erm…pickle? I don't believe that I have enlisted myself in the hustle culture at all. My life still feels really spacious at least internally but there is something that really drives me and I am very willing to spend the time that is required on that - something that was offered to me recently is that what I do isn’t work for me, it’s a vocation and it is heart led and I can’t help getting carried away at times especially as I launch and make plans to keep the business moving forward.